THE BUDDHIST CARER

A glimpse of normal Unencumbered, how things were Before time stood still.

Don’t know where to go Don’t know what I want to do Don’t know who I am. Society says Do this, be this, step in line. But I don’t want to! Liberate “old me” Time to refashion “new me” A me who is true. Open up to change Discard who I thought I was Scary, daunting thought. Just too much freedom Overwhelming freedom that Constricts and constrains.

Don’t like it one bit Loneliness of widowhood It is what it is.

First sign of snowdrops Brings tears to my eyes and yet I also sense hope.

Many messages No energy to reply But very grateful.

You have a calm voice Someone said to me today. Slowing down the pace Creating the space To create, be silent And reflect. Grateful. I co-led a webinar today, and consciously created a safe-enough space for attendees to engage. I used to do things like this regularly, but I haven’t done that for a while; I liked how “normal” it felt. A glimpse of my former self presencing itself.

Gradual, subtle Yet harmful effects are felt: Insidious loss. Not really noticed Cumulative, negative: Insidious loss. Cunning, treacherous Appears innocuous: Insidious loss. Slowly, secretly Stealthily and beguiling: Insidious loss. References: various online dictionary definitions of insidious. The concept of “insidious loss” came to me after an online chat with fellow former caregivers (& now widows), who have experienced the long-term effects on our marriages and relation

Quarter of a year! Current emotional state Not overly sad Tender, not so raw But not enthusiastic Numbness, lethargy

Complex and messy One step forwards, two steps back Non-linear grief.

Slowly I’m healing That rawness has subsided Into the background Although it’s lurking perhaps waiting to pounce when I least expect it.

This time of the week Didn’t think I’d notice, but Yet my body knows. The grief cloud descends As the evening approaches Sadness encroaches.

Autumnal feelings Sunshine peeking through the trees Light amongst the shade.

Feeling so sluggish Got no energy at all! Sloth-like and oomphless.

I can’t be bothered Despite coffee and sunshine My mood just won’t lift.

I had no idea - No inkling or warning signs - It would be so tough. I had no idea - Nothing’s really prepared me - That I’d feel this...

Feel so sad, lonely; I’m having to get used to Being left alone. Forlorn’s not a word I’ve used much recently, but It’s simply spot on!

Seven weeks ago I told him not to struggle - Permission to go.

Lonely path ahead Dark, yet safe under foot and Some glimpses of light.

I know he was ill I know he suffers no more I know he was old Yes, it was coming Yes, it’s “better for him” now Yes, it’s “a release” But...

Why don’t you admit You just don’t know what to say? Don’t just ignore me Or sit in your car Out of sight while I walk past But ha! I...