Breaking point?

Life as a working unpaid carer can present its challenges and today has had its fair share of those. Nothing earth shattering, just a series of irritations and issues. Mostly mundane things, things I would've shrugged off without a second thought years ago.

The nature of caring for someone with Parkinson's is that you can't really predict how your loved one will be from one day to the next, or even one hour to the next some days. My hubbie took a bit of a tumble last Friday, and so he's needed more help from me this week. He's holding himself differently, to compensate for the pain in his side. He's sleeping a lot more during the day, which I guess is the body yearning for rest. And by the evening his "freezing" is off the scale.

And most weeks, I'd take all of this in my stride. I'd work around his increased needs, and this too would pass. But this week I've had the added bonus (!) of working to an important project deadline.

And that's what brought me close to breaking point this morning. Well, not the deadline per se, more the cumulative effect of months of broken sleep, piles of clothes washing, hubbie's tablets needing sorting for the week ahead, piles of washing up... and a dog covered in seeds from the garden and with a bird carcass hanging out of her mouth.

I hardly dared cry, because once those floodgates open there'd have been no stopping them. And well, I haven't got time to cry today because MY DEADLINE IS LOOMING!!! But I did let some words tumble out of my mouth ... within hubbie's earshot: "I'm not sure how much more of this I can take!" Oh, that instant pang of regret of saying that thought out loud...

A few soothing words to myself, and a very kind offer from hubbie to comb the dog's ears (I mean, he's never ever done that before, but boy, what a wonderful sentiment), I pulled myself together, combed the dog's ears and headed off upstairs to my home office.

Thursdays offer me a bit of a sanctuary at the moment as I'm doing an online course at lunchtime, called Embodied Relational Teaching. Ninety minutes of connecting with a small group of people online, being inspired to bring attention to my body, to notice and to rest with what is. I very nearly gave it a miss today because, of course, MY DEADLINE IS LOOMING!!! I didn't think I could afford the time, couldn't spend that time doing something seemingly frivolous and a bit hippy-dippy-do when MY DEADLINE IS LOOMING!!! But I showed up, I was present, I engaged fully and authentically and I noticed a shift. A clear sensation of something moving, a heavy weight being lifted.

And so I spent the afternoon with an incredible sense of flow, a forensic focus and a real rush of creativity. And that report that was due? Well, it was submitted 30 minutes ahead of the deadline.