Virtual friendship

For this blog post, I'm referencing a very famous Buddhist teaching about spiritual friendship. And relating that to friendships that I experience as a carer of someone with Parkinson's.

When Ananda (the Buddha's companion) remarked to the Buddha that Friendship was 'half the spiritual life', the Buddha replied, 'Not so, Ananda! Not so, Ananda! It is the entire spiritual life, that is: good friendship, good companionship, good comradeship.'

So, it seems there's nothing more important than friendship to help us develop and grow, to thrive rather than just survive. My teacher, Sangharakshita, has also written about friendship:

Friendship is thus an area of freedom. With a friend one does not have to act a part, or be guarded, or conceal what one really thinks.

I'm wondering to what extent that really holds true, in reality?

Sangharakshita refers to a teaching on how we can be a good friend. For me, there's a universal truth in the message beyond the actual language used:

There are five ways, the Buddha told Sīgāla, in which a man should be of service to his friends: by giving gifts, by speaking kindly, by looking after their welfare, by treating them like himself, and by keeping his word to them. The friends, for their part, reciprocate by looking after him when he is inattentive, by looking after his property when he is inattentive, by being a refuge when he is afraid, by not deserting him when he is in trouble, and by showing concern for his children.

What a beautiful description of friendship in which both parties are equal, attentive, loyal, responsive... It saddens me that many of us might not be able to say that we have friendships which uphold all of this. And, on reflection, can I really say that I'm that good a friend to others?

Where I tend to find the most connection and understanding these days is in a Facebook group for carers. I spend a lot of my time on there, checking in with others, asking questions, seeking support, offering guidance... These people are not necessarily close by geographically, in fact many are far far away, some as far as America and Australia. I don't know much about who they are, but we connect on one very particular issue: we're all caring for someone with Parkinson's. We "get" what it's like to be up at night, often several times, how it feels to be on constant watch in case our partners fall, what it means to be met with an expressionless face when we ask a simple question... and so much more (I'll spare some of the other details!).

I'm really not sure where I'd be without these virtual friendships. And when I say virtual, I'm acknowledging that these are connections I'm making online. We're not meeting in person, nor will we ever perhaps. But these connections are not virtual in the other sense of the word where it means "almost" or "nearly". These friendships aren't half of a carer's life, in many ways they're the entire carer's life. Well, they are for this particular carer, at least!

Boy, am I grateful to have these wonderful virtual friends.

Reference:

https://www.sangharakshita.org/articles/the-good-friend-the-false-friend-and-the-spiritual-friend